How I think my friends are more caring than my own blood...How sad...

Blinking noisy neighbourS upstairs.. or is it just those 'things' making a hell of a racket coz they are not able to penetrate my humble abode to snatch some of my life's savings?

Well, let them make noise all they want, knocking on the ceiling, banging on my windows.. I don't give a rat's ass of that.

Couldn't sleep.

Just thinking of how shallow thinking these people are. I'm about to go on my vacation this weekend, .. well, tomorrow..oops.. it's already tomorrow..well, OKAY! Sunday, 7am! to pickup Ulat at the train station and head on down to our vacation destination with all the other friends who'll wait for us there.

Told my mom that I'm going on a trip with the company my husband's working in. She just asked me 'When?' 'Tomorrow' I said. She couldn't care less and just ignored me after that. So I just walked off into my room as usual. Hurt.

I know I've told them to stop bothering my life and scrutinise everything my husband do or I do, for that matter, in our lives. Doesn't mean they'd have to ignore me totally.

Now, living under one roof with the whole family. I still feel that I'm home alone.

Listening to the soft, rythmic snoring of my husband right now, the only comfort in my life is to assure myself that my marriage is strong and steady with him all the time and that it won't crumble (touch wood) like all the rest of the world's marriages.

Marriage is like a Souffle... You shout one hurtful word and the whole thing falls, crumbles, sink in. You stick a knife in it, it will go out of shape and remain that way.. tho it's still there.. it's not the same..

(sorry.. taking a moment to watch this beautiful giant python on tv in National Geographic.. woah... big snake..! Long and giant snake! These people are crazy!!!! They caught the snake that needed about 6 people to carry!! They're weighing that snake just to break record of the heaviest snake they've caught! sheesh!)

Oh ya.. back to the topic! Sorry... a bit sidetracked there.

Here I am, trying to do the best I can to keep my relationship as husband and wife with my hubby, people are just trying to ruin it. I don't understand why people have to be so jealous that we both are happy! I don't understand why people have to say hurtful things about my husband just to spike me against him!

"You cannot be totally honest to your husband! Certain things you must keep to yourself! What if he leaves you in the future and use all those against you? (Are you hoping that'll happen to us? Are you telling me now that you don't like my husband after a couple of years knowing him and THEN you decide that he's no good for me and trying your best to poison my mind against him for the following 2 yrs? What the hell you allow me to get married to him for in the first place? Couldn't you have said something before the wedding? Well, I guess SOME people are never satisfied with their lives that they had to ruin other's happy lives!)

People are just jealous that I have a husband who's caring, soft-spoken, considerate, helpful, a great cook, who dotes on me, takes care of me 100% when I'm sick, buys me stuff to keep me from being lonely when he's busy at work, who brings me to a spa every month, who is a graduate from Australia with honors, who's earning twice as much as my fuckin' ex-fiance and who says that he will remain faithful with me till we grow old even if we don't have kids!

Jealous yet? Of course!!! Because my life previously was a stinking pile of shit that everyone looooves to take advantage of. I had no life, so they made me commit to helping them throughout!

But now that I'm married, it seems that they're feeling that I'm being pulled away from the family and that they feared that they can't get my help anymore..

Being bullied, when I told them to tell me in advance what they wanted me to do so I'd have ample time to prepare and get it ready for them.. but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... they prefered to tell me at the last minute and wee hours so that I'd spend my time helping them instead of spending precious times with my hubby in bed!

There! I said it!

So now.. when my husband's pissed off at the constant inconsiderations, and I wanted a little bit of privacy... they decided to be childish and totally ignored me.. and THEN said.. "oh. I thot you and your husband want some PRIVACY.. so we thought we can't disturb you or tell you ANYTHING at all!"

Wow... how childish can you be? How old are you, by the way?

I'd rather be with friends, who never compared me, who always try to help me, who always supported me in anything I wanted to do unless it's bad and they would advice me based on experiences.

I'm fuckin 34 years old, for god's sake! Don't they think that I should learn to live on my own with my own husband??? Don't they think that I am ALLOWED to make bad decisions and wrong execution of my life? NOBODY would learn ANYTHING if they're not allowed to do these things rather than to stick to their family's rules all the time.

Plus, other members of the family, chose to ignore me after I was being humiliated in front of my husband by them and yet my mother just snide and smiled at the corner of her mouth and never tried to do anything to stop it from happening. She never defended me because she thinks I have someone to defend me and I'm married to him.

erm.. helllow!! They're still under your care! I'm the eldest! You let them talk to me like that?? After years and years of sacrifices I've made for them?

Oh.. I guess they forgotten after they've reached puberty that somehow depleted them of some braincells that gives them a good brain to think what is wrong or right. Oh, and they're old enough to get married.. oh.............. I forgot!!!!! They can't get married because their wife or husband will be criticised and they will get humiliated in front of them!!!

Riiiiiighhttt!!!!!!!

You dote on them, thinking they'll support you at your old age.. but guess what... if they're willing to turn a cold shoulder on me for the slightest things and can barely stand to be in the same room with me, how would you know that they won't do that to you in the future... They're too conceited to see my sufferings and sacrifices all these while because YOU chose to keep it a secret from them! Which made them think that I'M the one who is disobedient and inconsiderate!

PISS OFF!

We'll see who has the last laugh!

As Bon Jovi said, IT'S MY LIFE! AND HAVE A NICE DAY! YOU SHALLOW-THINKING IMMATURE PEOPLE! I REALLY DON'T NEED YOU, AT ALL.

People are sometimes cowards...

You know.. sometimes, some people are just cowards.

Instead of talking to us and finding out what happened, they'd go around asking other people and making their own assumptions of what is going on with our lives..

Like, please, Jagalah tepi kain sendiri, instead of being overly kaypoh towards our own lives.

If we hear a friend who seemed to be sulking and seems to be in trouble, we'd approach and ask him/her what happened. If that person doesn't wanna open up to us, it means that he/she is hating us. That's fine with me. But like hell, even if we did something wrong, they could've at least confronted us instead of being cowards! Right? We can accept if we are in the wrong.. But hey! If we never do anything wrong, how can people accuse us for no reason and worse - making their own assumptions!!

Hey, like I'm not an adult and like I'm not married. I've got the right to live my own freakin life with my husband. We've got the right to stand up on our own feet and do what we want.

Just because we don't go visiting, doesn't mean that we are cutting off relationship with relatives.. Come on... How shallow thinking can u be? You all accuse us of avoiding relatives.. but do you ever consider asking us why? Do you ever consider asking your mothers if they've ever said that they hated us because we can't visit?

Do you ever consider how difficult our lives are while you all grouped together and go out with cousins and aunties together on vacations without even asking us along or consulting us?

While u all are enjoying yourselves, do you ever think that we too have feelings? Why? Why in the world would people think that we decided to avoid everyone?

Did you ever think that the problem is with my health? SOME people have cursed us not to have children of our own.. Does that mean I have to still love them somehow?

SOME people accused us of things that we never do or things that we don't know of and putting words into our mouths without even finding out the real truth. Does that mean I have to still believe in what they say?

These people are just cowards. Without even asking us directly, they ask people around us who've been living with us or are close to us, thinking that they know everything that we've gone through.

People just don't know how much I've suffered emotionally and physically until at times I just feel like jumping down from a high-rise building so that nobody else will have anything to talk bad about me behind my back.

MENGUMPAT ITU ADALAH DOSA YANG LEBIH BESAR DARI BERZINAH! So I consider you all BERZINAH seratus kali ganda!

Go ahead. Talk about me and my husband all u want. Talk about how bad we are ALL U WANT. Coz in GOD'S eyes, you all who GOSSIP are just pure ADULTRESSES!

My sins and my husband's sins are our own to bear.. but u guys are the worst! You who are involved won't try to understand us and accuse us are much worse! Worse than our own sins. At least we keep to ourselves and try not to get involved in other's affairs, especially to those who accuses us.

THE MORE YOU TALK BAD ABOUT US BEHIND OUR BACKS, THE MORE SINS YOU PUT ON YOURSELVES.

And oh, by the way, YOU WON'T KNOW THE WHOLE TRUTH UNTIL YOU HEAR IT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH ITSELF, YOU COWARDS!

I don't care who you people are anymore. You all who talk bad and accuses us with your own assumptions are liable to be sued for demoralising reputation.

So, from now, I JAGA TEPI KAIN SENDIRI (which I have done so for so many years since), and you all got no right to accuse us of anything. We've so much kept to ourselves. Only going out with close friends that WOULDN'T BACKSTAB US as we've done everything possible to help friends and never try to hurt them. WELL, I'M SORRY IF U ALL ARE A BIT TOO OVERLY SENSITIVE about our usual jokes and concerns. WE'LL STAY OUT OF YOUR WAY FOR GOOD! Thanks for nothing!

SEE U ALL WHO ARE INVOLVED, IN COURT!

FIBROIDS: To Op or Not To Op! Please help me!

About 2 years ago, I went for my check up as I was having irregular periods and pain in the abdomen caused by it.

I was referred to a specialist in KK Hospital and referred to a nice lady doctor there who is now my gynaecologist. In her opinion, after scannings, ultra-sounds, pap smears and regular medication, she told me, I had better hold off on the operations of my 7nos fibroids in my womb if I were to want to have kids.

At least, have one child first and when I give birth, they will do the operation on one go.

Reason being, if I were to operate on my womb now, my womb might not be strong enough to hold my fertilized egg long enough to carry it to terms. I may only have a slim-to-none chance of conceiving to full term.

I hold off on my operations after getting 3 different doctor's opinions saying the same thing. 1 is the gynaecologist, 2 other is my personal doctors.

So in the hope of getting a child, I lay off on the operations first. That was 2 years ago.

I struggled with the thought of having a child and that stressed me up so bad that I resorted to drinking all sorts of herbals and stuff that old folks swear by it that can make my womb stronger.

I resorted to torturing my husband to take herbal drinks and pills so that the chances of us conceiving is greater. Many months and many money later, still no results.

I started to have the excrutiating pain on my left side of the womb every month. I've taken all sorts of painkillers and tonics to reduce the pain. Still, I've suffered enough till I'm being questioned about my MCs by the company.

So I decided to take drastic step and a last resort, to save my health and my job.

Operation to remove the fibroids that are constantly growing in my womb.

My husband even assured me that he didn't mind if we didn't have children but get my health back. He will stay with me forever.

But, let's face it, which husband doesn't want a zuriat of his own seed? In time to come, he will have the wanting of pitter patter of small feet around the house.

In the meantime, we'd have to settle on my cats to keep him entertained.

Who knows! Insya'allah, when I go for my operations, with the permission of God, I might have kids!

What's your opinion, girls!

I really need your support.

Life's like this for me... Why?

Sometimes I wonder why I do things for others and help others. Is my generosity and kindness are targets for people to take advantage of me and when they don't need me or my husband, we are just cast aside like disposable containers?

I feel sad just thinking of how much I loved my friends but when I'm away, I make efforts to try and keep in touch with them, or ask them how they are doing or even set a date for all of us to meet.

It seems that nowadays, some of my friends just 'shy' away from my invitations to meet up as a group of friends. I am just wondering why.

My questions have not been answered. Some friends are avoiding me to the extent of not answering my sms or emails or messenger messages.

I am concerned of their M.I.A. Are they in trouble? Are they having a problem and needed to be left alone? Did I do anything wrong that I never realised? Did I do anything that's sooo bad til they refuse to return my calls?

I feel sad. It seems that people might have misunderstood me for some reason. And I'm not even sure why or what.

If people choose to shun me away because of misunderstandings, well, then, that's not very mature, is it?

Yes, people who has problems will shy away from crowd or friends.. but please, don't tell me, you're in contact with some friends and not the others.

I feel that people have positioned me in such a manner that I feel that I'm not worth making friends with.

I will always try to help others who asks for help or do things for friends I love and adore.. but if people chose to avoid me, then I can't do anything to please them.

If they hate me for no apparent reason, then I'll let it be.

But in any way what so ever, I will apologise if I happen to unconsciously made a mistake or hurt someone. People can always point it out to me, instead of shutting me out.

But never mind. I will still remember them wherever I go, or wherever I am.

Even when I'm travelling I will always tell my husband, eh.. this friend likes this stuff! I will buy it for their birthday.. hence I will buy it and keep it till I give it to them on their birthday.. coz I want them to know I care and still think of them...

Hope they do the same for me.... because all these years, even with my Secondary school friends, I will still keep in touch and give them a ring once in a while or wish them Happy Birthdays and stuff like that.

Never in my mind, have I ever tried to hurt my friends unless they hurt me first.

This is just a pouring of my heart out.

If I'm not worth making friends with, just let me know and I will leave you all alone...

Thanks for everything...

Taking It In Strides

These past few days got me thinking, IF WE DON'T help ourselves, will anyone else?

My husband and I been trying our best to save money for our future. Maybe who knows, if God permits, I would have a child of my own and the savings would of course be a great help.

One thing tho... I have to be selfish at times to a lot of people in order to have savings for my future.

Having to suffer some ailments in my aging body, I too need savings to cope with my medical. On the outlook I might be happy and cheerful and healthy to people.. but I'm just bearing the pain inside.

So, in my bid to restore my self-esteem and my confidence in my future, I HAD to be selfish. Sometimes blood members tend to need help when it's not so important at the moment, I just have to refuse, knowing they've got other sources to get from. I HAD to refuse with a tinge of guilt.

Gosh, When will I be able to stop feeling guilty for other's mistakes and mishaps? When will I able to feel guilty for not taking care of my own needs? When will I be able to feel guilty for not being able to care for my husband's needs, now that I'm married? Will my guilt overwhelm my priorities in my own marriage?

After all, in my religion as taught by religious teachers all over my country and others, all said the same thing. A woman, when married, her obligations and priorities shift from her own family and parents to her husband as a wife. A man, when married, his obligations and priorities shift from his family and parents to his wife, as a husband.

They are bounded to each other by marriage no matter the outcomes of their family, after the blissful union bounded by ties of matrimony. The husband is supposed to provide and care for the wife FIRST before taking care of his other family member's needs and the wife, is bounded to the husband and her priorities are to take care of the husband's needs, well-being, and to obey his wishes.

I wonder..... it hasn't come up in my dictionary for I am still bounded by my own family as long as I'm staying under one roof with them.

When will I be able to have my own castle to build? My own moat, my own guardian dragon and my own Prince Charming all to myself?

I'm under a spell that bounded my hands and feet to the family's dungeon.

It's time I take it in strides and do something for myself before it gets worse. I seek solace and the company of good people to help me through this excrutiating ordeal. 

I especially love my husband for always being there for me, in sickness and in health, thru good times and bad times, we stuck together, never knowing the meaning of giving up hope and always working things out between us together. Never caring what people think about us.

Sure, there are ups and downs in our relationship, but it has never ever reached to the point of not talking to each other. hehe...

But above all, as an individual, we all must learn how to be independent sometimes, knowing what we want in life and make an effort to make it better and make it happen instead of sitting around waiting for the moon to fall into your lap.

If it's not right, and you've got the opportunity to correct it, just DO IT! If you think it's worth the try, DO IT! If you think it's good for you even when people around you say it's not, and it's not gonna hurt anyone or do any disastrous damage to anyone, but benefits you in return, just DO IT!

F***kin Lazy Day & Upset with the F***kin world

Waaah.. very the garang u know my title! But really, I'm just fedup...

People made me fedup and caused wrinkles and crow's feet around my eyes coz I'm always scowling at people for the wrong reasons.

Bear in mind, ladies. Make yourselves cheerful all the time to reduce wrinkles betwen your brows and around your eyes... PLUS a tip from my wonderful makeup artist guide, PUT CUCUMBER SLICES ON EYES AND RELAX!!

Trust me... this comes from a mother of a teenager, who does NOT look a day older than 25! And she remained looking like that for years already.. POW!!! FOO YOH!! I envy her actually but can't seem to keep up with her beauty routines... But BOY does SHE LOOK GREAT!

Still, I'm really pissed at people for taking me for granted and treating me the way they treat me.

HAVE THEY LOST THEIR MINDS...????? I'M FARKIN WORKING HERE!!! I HAVE A LIFE OF MY OWN!!!!! WHY!!!? WHY MUST THEY BOTHER ME??? WHY MUST THEY KEEP TABS ON ME WHEN I'M ALREADY MARRIED????????? FOR FOUR YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AM I SUPPOSED TO DROP EVERYTHING AND PAY 100% ATTENTION????

BESIDES THAT, my stupid, ignorant, push-over manager is giving me a HELL of a headache!! He's pushing me all his duties.. Man!!! Just give me your pay and I'll become the MANAGER! Since I'm doing his job!!!

I feel like telling my BIG BOSS to replace him with someone more efficient!

Another option is when my husband's pay reaches $4.5k soon, I'll just be a Tai-Tai!! hehehe...
No work, ALL PLAY! (psst... dreaming... dreaming.. but maybe your dream will come true soon enough)

I'm just hoping and wishing he'd get the job in Dubai, which will make me a wholesome Tai-Tai.. AWAY FROM TROUBLE AND PROBLEMS! AND VERY NEAR GREAT SHOPPING AREA... (all items included in package). House provided, car provided, expenses provided, flight provided, and I just enjoy the view and tour the whole of Dubai... haiiizzz... dreaming, dreaming...

I just dont like it here anymore.. sorry, patriots of this country. But I'm really pissed at this money-faced society.

I've learned to live the hard life.. sometimes with just $2 in my pocket, $10 in my EZ Link Card, and Billing Officers hounding me with overdue payments.
I've cried alone at night before, during the downward fall of economy.
I've suffered in silence before when I had to help my family and left me with nothing to eat.
I've gone hungry and depended on 'sideline' boyfriends to treat me to dinner.
All because I didn't want my other family members to suffer.
Yes, I was that desperate..
..But I was silent.

But still, people took me for granted. My silence is my mistake coz they always take it as though I'm well to do and I am stable financially.

But even if I were to say, I WANT TO BE A TAI-TAI, HUSBAND EARNING $4.5K AND I LIVE IN THE PENTHOUSE WITH AN AUDI R8 TO DRIVE AROUND IN, I WILL SAY....

I DESERVE IT FOR ALL THE LONG YEARS OF SACRIFICES I HAVE MADE AND IT'S HIGH TIME I BE HAPPY FOR MYSELF!

THERE!! I SAID IT! SO WHAT? YOU WANNA CALL ME CONCEITED AND MONEY-FACED? I DON'T CARE ANYMORE! COZ I HAVE NOT HAVE THE PLEASURE SINCE BIRTH!

SO I DESERVE IT!!